Divorce & Children

Be Age Appropriate

Telling your children about the divorce in developmentally appropriate ways is crucial to help them understand the changes that are occurring in the home. 

Sometimes, words are something that children do not understand yet.  Using dolls, pictures, or multiple dollhouses can help the child understand that the parents are no longer going to be living together.

Keep It Simple

The fewer words the better. Because it is a big change for the family, and a major loss, children do not always understand the story of how their family structure is changing.

It may be difficult for them to process too many words. So keep the story simple and empathetic.

Such as, “This is very hard for us to share. The family is going to be changing, and your mother and father are not going to be living in the same house anymore.”

Oftentimes, parents use lots of words when they themselves are confused, because divorce is a challenging time. It is important to know that it is okay if your child asks you a question that you do not know the answer to. Such as, “Where is Mom or Dad going to live now?”

It is okay to say that you do not know, at that moment and reassure that you will add to the narrative once you and your co-parent have come to a conclusion.

Be Consistent Without Placing Blame

This is probably the most difficult tip. It is hard to remain neutral and work together with the other parent when there is a loss occurring within the relationship. It is so difficult not to place blame when you feel that the other parent is at fault.

Remember, that when you are giving a narrative to your child, you are showing that both parents are going to be working together and remain co-parents forever. Although partners may not agree with one another, they both have to show consistency in the narrative so that the child does not develop unhealthy relational patterns to one parent.

Getting a divorce is a painful process, and it can stir many emotions that are difficult. It is even harder to work together as parents to help children remain connected to both parents. Children need to understand that even through divorce, parents can work together in times of loss, stress, and disagreement.

How Babies React to Divorce (Birth-18 months)

What to Look For:

• An increase in clinginess
• Emotional outbursts
• Irritability (especially around new people)
• Signs of backsliding in previously met developmental milestones

How to Soothe the Transition:

1. Spend extra time holding and snuggling your baby, especially when you’re at ease with yourself.
2. Establish routine, familiarity, and consistency. Knowing what to expect is a comfort to growing babies.
3. Provide comfort to your child by remembering to bring along a blanket, their favorite toy, or any other security item. If you are transitioning back and forth between homes, make sure to pass off your child’s security item.

How Infants React to Divorce (18 months-3 years)

Developmental Insights

Egocentric (self-centered) thinking becomes the main perspective of children this age. When splitting up happens during this age, a child often believes they caused the breakup. Also, a toddler’s primary bond is with their parents, making disruptions difficult to comprehend and accept.

What to Look For:

• Crying
• A return to thumb sucking
• They may desire more attention than usual
• Fear of abandonment
• Difficulty falling asleep
• Difficulty sleeping alone

How to Soothe the Transition:

1. Spend quality time together with your child, offering extra special attention. Sometimes asking trusted family and friends to do the same helps share the burden.
2. Continually assure your child that your breakup is not his or her fault. It might surprise you how often you will need to keep communicating this point.
3. If possible, work together as parents to establish predictable routines, making them as easy to follow as possible for your child.
4. Integrate feelings and emotions into your speech, and help your child recognize the feelings they are having.

How Children React to Divorce (4-8 years)

This stage is full of your child trying out what they can do and how much they can control as they develop independence. In their quest for control, having what feels like no power over parents behavior can leave them feeling powerless. 

And yet, like the toddlers mentioned in the previous section they still believe that something they did is responsible for parents’ separation.

What to Look For:

• Controlling and trapping anger inside
• Feeling uncertain about what the future holds
• Having and expressing ideas or thoughts that are unpleasant
• Nightmares plaguing sleep

How to Soothe the Transition:

1. The more open and positive you can be as parents, the more your child will reflect an open and positive attitude and mood.
2. Provide ways for expression of feelings and someone to talk with, whether that be a counselor or a therapist.
3. Read age-appropriate books on emotions and divorce.
4. Set up a visitation schedule with a noncustodial parent and stick to it as consistently as possible. This makes kids feel safe and secure.

How Pre-Teens & Teens React to Divorce (9-19 years)

What to Look For:

• Lashing out (aggression, fighting, etc.)
• Withdrawing (becoming anxious, depressed, etc.)
• Headaches and upset stomach
• Making up symptoms to stay home from school

How to Soothe the Transition:

1. Peers become important to children at this age. Encourage extracurriculars and peer friendships to ease feelings of extreme loss and build self-esteem. 
2. Quality time is huge! Spend as much of it together as possible and encourage openness about feelings. If your child senses you can’t handle their difficult emotions, they will continue withdrawing them.
3. Verbalize that divorce is not the child’s fault. Verbalizing it brings the fact into reality and leaves no assumption or questioning on the part of the child.

Short Term:

• Confusion over separate households & schedules
• Difficulty adjusting to loss of same gender parent (Boys having to adjust to losing male role model when dad moves out)
• Possible standard of living changes (moving from a house to an apartment or less money for toys and/or basic needs)
• Lower academic achievement due to less parental support
• Higher levels of anger, sadness, and anxiety
• Decrease in self-esteem and well-being

Long Term:

• High levels of anxiety and depression in their teens and early 20’s
• Fears of abandonment and loss leading to poor decision making
• Substance abuse and sexual impulsivity
• Fear of intimacy in romantic relationships
• Inability to maintain friendships and relationships

Why Early Intervention is Important

It is important for you to make sure your child has academic and mental health support throughout your divorce process. The relational turmoil you are going through is also what your child is going through.

Remember that divorce is not a single event in time– it is experienced by your family long after initial separation. The conflict witnessed by the most important people in your child’s life–you and your former spouse–has a long term effect on your child’s mental health. 

Early therapeutic intervention to heal broken attachments, coupled with building your relationship, may be the quickest path to healing. It takes relationships to heal relationships.

Here are some tips to help you reduce the long term effects divorce may have on your child:

• Help your child maintain relationships with both parents; if possible
• Form consistent routines and schedules
• Spend as much quality time with your child as possible
• Find activities to do with your child that don’t require extra money
• Allow your child a safe space to express their feelings and emotions
• Seek help from a child counselor or therapist
• Seek individual counseling for yourself
• Slowly introduce a new partner or relationship into the family to allow your child to adjust

Individual Counseling

Children of divorce may feel a variety of emotions from sadness and anger to relief. It is important for you to make sure your child has mental health support throughout your divorce process.

The relational turmoil you are going through is also what your child is going through.

Your child may feel:

• They have to take sides or choose between their parents.
• They need to hide their true thoughts and feelings.
• They are experiencing a kind of divorce in their relationship with either parent.
• More anxiety and depression as they experience turbulence at home.
• A lower sense of self-esteem, especially if they hear their parents disparage each other.

This is the time to find a trusted Child & Adolescent Therapist to help your child with their big emotions during this confusing time.

Remember that divorce is not a single event in time. It is experienced by your family long after initial separation.

Divorce Apps for Parents

Parents, one of the best things you can do for yourself during this difficult time is to seek help and support. Whether that’s through counseling, friends and family, or support groups, there are so many resources out there for your to choose from.